Not a Cult: An Interview with the Totally Normal Organization
I sat down with the enigmatic leader of "Not a Cult" (definitely not suspicious at all) to discuss their organization, goals, and totally normal activities. What follows is an absolutely real and in no way concerning exchange.
Jr: Ahem. N.A.C Leader, my loyal 16 subscribers want to know—who are you? And why did you approach this humble journalist in a dark alley and hand me fifteen dollars in fake USD for this sponsorship?
N.A.C Leader: Why me? I am the harbinger of chaos, of course! And also, I would never! I'm offended that you would insinuate I gave you counterfeit currency—that's highly illegal and frowned upon. I save that for paying the neighbor kid to mow my lawn.
Jr: Well, aside from the money you definitely "didn’t" hand me—with your face on it—what exactly is sponsoring today’s letter? Are you a fan club? An organization? Aaaaaa cult?
N.A.C Leader: It clearly states that it is not a cult. I’ve had to explain that to the government waaay too many times. We are simply "Not a Cult." It’s that simple.
Jr: Alright, simple enough answer. What kinds of things does "Not a Cult" specialize in?
N.A.C Leader: Let’s see… Sundays are for blood sacrifices and bonfires, Saturdays are for spending time with someone special, Fridays are for feasts and family, and the rest? Well, those are secrets for members to know and for everyone else to guess.
Jr: With such a rigorous schedule, I want to revisit that cult question…
N.A.C Leader: Not. A. Cult. We just like to have a good schedule. Waste not, want not.
Jr: That’s exactly what a cult leader would say…
N.A.C Leader: What was that?
Jr: Nothing! Anyway, how can my readers join "Not a Cult"? Is it a free group?
N.A.C Leader: There are many ways to join. You could be born into it, invited, accidentally stumble into the wrong room at the wrong time, or… well, let’s just say some members have joined organically. As for cost, it all depends on how you define "payment."
Jr: Organically is a very suspicious choice of words.
N.A.C Leader: Is it?
Jr: Moving on! Let’s get to know you, The "Ring Leader" of Not A Cult, a little better. Have you ever been arrested?
N.A.C Leader: Under my current identity? No. Never. And while we’re at it, I’ve clearly never faked an identity before.
Jr: Huh. Usually, people just say, "Haha, no!"
N.A.C Leader: Can I ask you a question?
Jr: Oh, I suppose I have been asking a lot. Go ahead.
N.A.C Leader: What’s your blood type?
Jr: Well, that’s such an innocent and fun trivia question! It’s A+.
N.A.C Leader: Not my favorite, but still suitable for sacrifice…
Jr: I suddenly feel the urge to call for help. But I’ll ask my next question instead!
N.A.C Leader: Good choice.
Jr: What’s "Not a Cult’s" big dream?
N.A.C Leader: The same as any non-cult entity—spread across the globe like a supervirus.
Jr: …
N.A.C Leader: What? It’s what everything does. Look at humans. Look at Starbucks and McDonald’s. Look at invasive species.
Jr: You are very… unique. You speak in a way that makes me not want you near my hypothetical children, but also in a way that I would let you serve me lemonade.
N.A.C Leader: Don’t worry, your kids are safe. I made sure of that.
Jr: I… I have no children. I am a homosexual with a newsletter.
N.A.C Leader: Ouch. I know they’re adopted, but I didn’t think you’d talk about them like that.
Jr: Charles and Bonquesha were NOT adopted. I stole them. They just leave free kids lying around playgrounds these days.
N.A.C Leader: Same thing. Speaking of which, I should check the basement. I haven’t fed them in a while.
Jr: I… I see. Well! It’s time for the final question! N.A.C Leader, as a leader, what’s the big, bright message you want to send out into the universe?
N.A.C Leader: Come, guys, gals, and non-binary pals! As the chaos spreads, our connection grows closer. Join us here at "Not a Cult" while you still have a choice. We’ll be watching.
Not A Cult Entice you? Go ahead and click on the image below for the organizations website and how to join!
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